When I started thinking about writing this, Valentine’s Day reminded me of the last scene in Thelma & Louise…you know, if Thelma was alone in the car and if instead of cops, she was surrounded by stuffed animals, canoodling couples, and cut-out hearts. At first, the cliff seemed like the best option, but why should she be the one to drive off into the abyss? Thelma is the only non-repulsive thing in this scene. Why not pull a 180, slam on the gas, and run over some of those mutant teddy bears on the way to the nearest mall/liquor store? Before you keep reading, there are a few things you should know; I recently lost three things: my filter, restraint with my credit card, and my sense of shame. I didn’t have much of a filter to begin with, but maybe it isn’t entirely appropriate to scream a long line of expletives as all 57 pages of your unstapled biology reading fly across the quad. I probably should be worried about all the hard work my credit card and the fine people at Zappos have been doing, maybe I will when I have to use my entire paycheck to pay off the four pairs of shoes I bought in the past three weeks. For now I’m too in love with walking around in 5-inch heels, pretending that I’m actually tall and not a little nugget, to be concerned about paying for things. Finally, why do we even need shame? Should I be embarrassed to dance on tables like the special combination of ADHD and accident prone that I am, or to be lying on the ground after a 21-year old boy crumbles from 100 pounds of spazz-attack jumping on his back? Maybe, but why waste your time being embarrassed? If everyone is already laughing, laugh along with them and join the good time
Sadly, this really is me, I actually dance like this, and it happened for everyone and their parents to see
To all my single friends, come and mingle with all the wonderful things Valentine's Day has to offer people without a significant other. First of all, it's the only day of the year I can wear my hot pink tights or hot pink 5 1/2 inch platform heels in public and look normal-- well maybe not normal, but it's at least socially acceptable understandable. Besides, if you don't shock one person with your outfit, you're doing something wrong. Be bold, break out that pink, and live colorfully, even if it's just for a day!
The second best thing, or the best thing—depending on how much I've had—about V-Day is wine. Wine makes everything better. If you don't believe me, look at Bachelor Ben—do you really think any of these girls would give him and his awful hair (really dude, a center part) a second glance if he wasn’t a winemaker? I still wish they started filming the Bachelor before Ashley's season aired and replaced Ben with Bentley I can't be the only one who would love to see a showdown between Bentley the Bastard and Crazy Courtney. But for now I can only hope to see that on The Bachelor Pad and I'm stuck watching Boring Ben, who totally isn't trying to overcompensate for anything with that giant machete in this week’s episode.
The best part of the season was when they were in Sonoma; it was like a fruity, alcoholic paradise. Plus, you don't get blackout or shitfaced, or any of those negative connotations with wine. Instead, you get classy drunk while looking as fine as the full-bodied Pinot that you're sipping. Normally I can feel the judgment radiating off people after they learn that I drank a bottle of wine on a school night, but clearly, these people were never dragged to see New Years Eve in theaters. Rejoice fellow vinos, our day has finally come! Raise your glass (or bottle if that’s how you roll) to the great wine gods and to St. Valentine.
Finally, February 14 is the day of youthful bitterness. We may be young, but there is a lot to be bitter about. From having to still ask boys to formals (I thought I got to leave this Sadie Hawkins hell in high school) to the new cafeteria not being completed until after you graduate, college life can be hard... in a #firstworldproblems kind of way. Sometimes you just need to vent about all the things that frustrate you, like how you spent all your money on shoes instead of buying groceries, or even worse, Steelers fans. Valentine's Day isn't the time to complain about things that actually matter. That's great that you found some charity to work for, but nobody wants to watch a Sarah McLachlan commercial when they're just trying to buy a Forever Lazy. Save the stories with substance for later and tell me about this guy who thinks quoting Twilight is the way to your heart.
This may be the day for couples, but lets make it the day to show them what they're missing! Stay tuned for updates, recipes, and overall bitterness for an Anti-Valentines Party! Until then, go boldly, go brightly, and live by the wise words of a Bishop of Seville, "I have enjoyed great health at a great age because everyday since I can remember I have consumed a bottle of wine except when I have not felt well. Then I have two bottles."
Sloppy wine kisses,